walk of shame

I eat my toast with a fork and my scrambled eggs with red pepper flakes. He eats his eggs with his toast like a sandwich. 
I love pippy poppy loud music. He discovers a new artist every week and thrives on the composition and word play that is present. 

We are two totally different people, "opposites attract". This has never been truer than now. It is crazy how you don't realize that until you live with someone. The getting to know them phase is just that a phase, you spend a few months acquainting yourselves with their likes, dislikes, favs and dreams. But when you live with someone you experience everything. The morning breath, the bed head, the 'fresh face' sans make up, the toilet seat that never gets let down or the shoes in the middle of the floor. You seriously cannot hid anything when you live with someone. 

That is a blessing and a curse. The blessing being that you get so close to this person. You experience their fears and nightmares. You are the person that wakes up next to them when they scream out in fright, you are the one that gets to kiss that precious face first thing in the morning. You become that person that makes their life livable. 

The curse is you realize you guys don't really like the same things. At all. From food to music to drinks to movies... nothing at all is the same and the word 'compromise' has a new definition for you. A whole new meaning... 

You begin to wonder what it means to give things up for another person, you begin to wonder what all will be given up on this quest to have a new life together with the person you love. Becoming a couple means there are things that you leave behind. Dreams are not one of them, dreams become something you work for together. Dreams become something that each one of you believe in and support and work hard to achieve. 

But at what cost...  Are you leaving part of you behind... Are you silencing that inner thing you once strove so hard to attain... Are you losing yourself in hopes of finding yourself...

Little topics of discussion become blown out of proportion... you become confused and lost in engagements... you just stop wanting to talk at all, not because you are uneducated on the matter at hand, but because you just don't want to care any more... you just give up. 

They say you pick the battles that matter to you and you chose the ways to win wars... Generals lose sleep finding the perfect plan of attack to come out triumphant... 

I don't want to win a war or a battle or be in a constant tug of war with the one I love but when you are so starkly different what do you do? 

You learn them. 

Inside and out, you learn their ways and their beliefs, you divulge in their passions and step WAY OUT of your personal comfort zone and find out what truly makes them tick. 

You want to be happy, choose happy. Want to be miserable choose misery. Want to be in love, then goddammit be in love. With everything that person offers you. 

Their flaws make up their perfections. Their passions make up their dreams. Their fears make up their courage. 

So what he reads more articles about politics than he eats meals in a day. 
I read none. So during the upcoming elections he can educate me on the best candidate. 

So what I read more books a month than he has been a live. When we have little curly head children I can pass on our passion of learning. 

Everything that separates us brings us that much closer. Our differences will be what builds our future. With time and patience we will figure things out, because at the end of the day that is what love is... 

Love is having patience and taking the time and making things that are silly and irrelevant super important because your better half thinks is should be. 

Its not about being pussy whipped or being under your significant other's control. Its about being so into that person you are willing to give up whatever you have to to make them happy... but at the end of the day not having to give anything up. Because they love you exactly how you are. 

Day 2: Treating this thing like a journal... something I haven't done in a while (at least not consistently). Writing has become a chore or a thing to do, my freedom of expression comes best when I am nor forcing it. But artistically thinking I feel like I must write. 

So when I sit to write I wonder, what should I write???

Started a new job Monday. Well began training for my new job. So far so good, still learning systems and applications and navigation etc. New jobs are stressful... and exciting... transitioning into a new way of working seems entertaining... I have just graduated and now I have a new schedule to get used to. Before it was class class class and night shift CNA work. Then I graduated and was unemployed for 2 months. Then I landed a dream job (as good as call center type jobs can be) and got FIRED from that. So back to unemployment... Seriously this work/life time frame thing gets no easier. 

Being fired... THAT WAS HORRIBLE... I have never been fired for such dumbness... I really thought I was going to lose my mind, still do at times, but I am getting my grounding (or trying to at least). I got fired. I got fired. Saying that and hearing it out loud is weird. Fired. The hardest thing to accept was the reason that was given to me was what made it so hard to accept. I got fired because "my tone lacked empathy and I was unable to relate to the students calling in".  I lack empathy. 

Most wouldn't even really care about this or what it says, because I only worked for this company for a little more than a month. So most people would say that they didn't even know me well enough to judge me. Or that the one call they listened to was being held too harshly against me. Or that maybe they should have taken the time to train me and actually help me do my job rather than just give me the boot. 

I freaked out because I took it SUPER PERSONALLY. They attacked my character, my personality, my definition of me. I took it to heart because Bae worked at this same company and he is excelling in his position. The Head of Operations said she could see me fitting in his department very well and being an asset. So when I got fired I took it personally. I was embarrassed not just for myself, but because I felt like a disappointment to him too. I felt that my actions were a reflection of US and when I didn't make the cut, it was as though I wasn't good enough. Like I was a let down... to him. And that hurt. A lot. 

Here I was first job I had been excited about in a long time, first job post graduation and I get fired because I am not nice enough... ultimately that was the reason. 

Not nice enough...

Well there was a kick straight into my depressive dip that I was already nurturing... Depression. What a crappy feeling and truly shitty title to be dubbed. DEPRESSION. Something one suffers from. Something one barely escapes. Something one tries to overcome. Something one must deal with to live. 

How do you deal with depression? Medication, alcohol, exercise... I was using an age old tactic of avoidance - which was working pretty freaking well if you ask me- but apparently it wasn't really working. At all. 

Mi famila lives over 2 hours away and Mommie-dearest worries all the time.. I am her little one, the youngest child and I am living on my own. She can't take care of me like she would love to so I try to keep my life together and I try my hardest to stay good. 
Bae works until late in the day, so during those wonderful winter days when the sun sets at 4 and so does the depression, I would sit in the corner of my room and hold myself. Attempting to hold myself together, both literally and metaphorically. Rocking in the corner, hugging myself just so I could feel anything. 

One day Bae literally had to help me out of the bed, step by step, walk me through the house holding my hand and force me to shower. I couldn't function. I literally couldn't move. I couldn't even wash my own hair. He had to climb in the shower to wash it for me. 

That is when I realized things couldn't keep up like this. I needed help with just living. Crying all the time, hurting all the time, not even understanding why any of it was happening... 

That is what depression became for me.  And being honest about it is still terrifying. 

So New To This....

Panda Head, Handsome Face, Stinker, Lover Bugger...  All of these are nicknames for Bae.. I am amazed by how stupid the 'pet names' can sound when not being said to him. I was NEVER one for the cute names... It was never my style, I am just a straight shooter kinda girl. Sheesh, even the whole love thing terrified me honestly. But when I look into his Hazelnut eyes, I feel nothing even closely resembling fear. I see my future, my past forged into my present, I see the craziest of all possibilities and I know that I could never define what he is to me. So all the corny nicknames seem perfect, because just like me, they do him no justice. I can't define what it is about Bae, other than him being him. 

Blogging now... enough random mushy things.. What does one write? 

I swear I was a English Major at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, just graduated. Pretty good grades too. I was involved in organizations and I started an English Club. Sadly I am at a loss for words. 

(That is something no one would ever think of associating with me). A loss for words... what to say, what to talk about. A good friend told me to talk about anything. Life at the BEACH (which is AMAZING), life as a proud mulatto, life with fur babies (two dogs and two cats), life after graduation, life with and without parents, life being bisexual... she said I should just write.  hahahahaha - with all that 'direction' I still have no idea what to write about. 

Which is why I began with Bae, because he is who I have currently... understanding supporting caring loving inspiring... he is what I have. 

I would love ideas on how to do this, how to blog. I would love guidance and support. I even accept critique really well.. I was an Theatre major as well... I know all about critiques... so please follow, chime in, guide and destroy my life because there is nothing that one of you guys could say or do that I haven't already done to myself. 

Here goes the words of a Rebellious Soul who Recently Graduated and is Currently Lost in Life...