Day 2: Treating this thing like a journal... something I haven't done in a while (at least not consistently). Writing has become a chore or a thing to do, my freedom of expression comes best when I am nor forcing it. But artistically thinking I feel like I must write. 

So when I sit to write I wonder, what should I write???

Started a new job Monday. Well began training for my new job. So far so good, still learning systems and applications and navigation etc. New jobs are stressful... and exciting... transitioning into a new way of working seems entertaining... I have just graduated and now I have a new schedule to get used to. Before it was class class class and night shift CNA work. Then I graduated and was unemployed for 2 months. Then I landed a dream job (as good as call center type jobs can be) and got FIRED from that. So back to unemployment... Seriously this work/life time frame thing gets no easier. 

Being fired... THAT WAS HORRIBLE... I have never been fired for such dumbness... I really thought I was going to lose my mind, still do at times, but I am getting my grounding (or trying to at least). I got fired. I got fired. Saying that and hearing it out loud is weird. Fired. The hardest thing to accept was the reason that was given to me was what made it so hard to accept. I got fired because "my tone lacked empathy and I was unable to relate to the students calling in".  I lack empathy. 

Most wouldn't even really care about this or what it says, because I only worked for this company for a little more than a month. So most people would say that they didn't even know me well enough to judge me. Or that the one call they listened to was being held too harshly against me. Or that maybe they should have taken the time to train me and actually help me do my job rather than just give me the boot. 

I freaked out because I took it SUPER PERSONALLY. They attacked my character, my personality, my definition of me. I took it to heart because Bae worked at this same company and he is excelling in his position. The Head of Operations said she could see me fitting in his department very well and being an asset. So when I got fired I took it personally. I was embarrassed not just for myself, but because I felt like a disappointment to him too. I felt that my actions were a reflection of US and when I didn't make the cut, it was as though I wasn't good enough. Like I was a let down... to him. And that hurt. A lot. 

Here I was first job I had been excited about in a long time, first job post graduation and I get fired because I am not nice enough... ultimately that was the reason. 

Not nice enough...

Well there was a kick straight into my depressive dip that I was already nurturing... Depression. What a crappy feeling and truly shitty title to be dubbed. DEPRESSION. Something one suffers from. Something one barely escapes. Something one tries to overcome. Something one must deal with to live. 

How do you deal with depression? Medication, alcohol, exercise... I was using an age old tactic of avoidance - which was working pretty freaking well if you ask me- but apparently it wasn't really working. At all. 

Mi famila lives over 2 hours away and Mommie-dearest worries all the time.. I am her little one, the youngest child and I am living on my own. She can't take care of me like she would love to so I try to keep my life together and I try my hardest to stay good. 
Bae works until late in the day, so during those wonderful winter days when the sun sets at 4 and so does the depression, I would sit in the corner of my room and hold myself. Attempting to hold myself together, both literally and metaphorically. Rocking in the corner, hugging myself just so I could feel anything. 

One day Bae literally had to help me out of the bed, step by step, walk me through the house holding my hand and force me to shower. I couldn't function. I literally couldn't move. I couldn't even wash my own hair. He had to climb in the shower to wash it for me. 

That is when I realized things couldn't keep up like this. I needed help with just living. Crying all the time, hurting all the time, not even understanding why any of it was happening... 

That is what depression became for me.  And being honest about it is still terrifying.