Today has been really crappy to be honest. Things are just not working out for me. I am being tested beyond belief.
I have always been the support system for so many people, my entire life I have had to be the shoulder for people to cry on and I have handled that pretty well. I learned it from my mother. She is the strongest person I have ever met. She had a rough life growing up, she joined the Air-force, met my sperm donor and had to deal with a whole different load of shit from him, then came the divorce and raising two kids alone pretty much... its just a lot. Now she is raising my nephew while I go to school and my sister kills herself at two jobs (just so she can send money to her unemployed alcoholic sister - me). Yea Mom and Alissa are truly my bread and butter.
But every time I hear pain in my mother's voice it literally breaks me down. Dealing with depression is shitty enough, but then being reminded there is nothing that I can do to alleviate my family's pain is even worse.
Back when I lived in Chapel Hill I helped them out with money all the time. Mainly with Cameron. i used to buy most of his clothes and help out with random surprises and parties. But now his 8th birthday is coming up and I can't even buy him a gift. I called my mom and asked her what the plans were for his birthday and she lost it... just blew up at me reminding me how poor we are and how we never do anything together anymore because of scheduling issues and location and so many other things that make throwing Cameron a huge birthday a horrible idea.
Yea, that is exactly what I wanted to hear today. After helping Bae cope with the stupid issues at his job, Mommie just made my day worse. I can't win for losing... Overtime picked up and mandatory 8-10 hours has Panda losing his mind and contemplating quitting. Not to put us in a horrible predicament but just quitting because he is super miserable. So we had to talk off that ledge. Can't have us falling even deeper into poverty can I?
Annnnddddd to top it all off, the in-laws are telling him that they might move even farther away. Farther away means even less visit time than we already have. It is already a 3 hour drive to see them, which is damn near impossible with low funds and we drive a 4 Runner... but if they really do move its going to be a 4 hour drive - which means "yea not happening".
Some people would think we should just move closer to our parents, but I have no desire to move in with our parents (which is what would have to happen for us to relocate right about now).
Stress and depression and poverty do not go well at all... But this is just another trial in life, something that will bring us closer when we survive it (and that we will - SURVIVE). It is all just heavy, weight that we must bear. Nothing more.
I remind myself we have a roof over our head, a steady income that allows us to make ends meet and we have loving family that supports us any way possible. With all that we are blessed. So counting each blessing is what gets me thru the day and reminds me that one day, things will suck less.
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