Free your mind...

And the rest will follow....

Yea right. That might be one of the biggest lies told to us by musicians... EnVogue was so full of shyt.

It is a great song though, super empowering and hell raising and ready to kick ass and energize the world and all that stuff. But those words are not always true.

Freeing your mind is terrifying and opens so many doors that could possibly leave you paralyzed. That or finding out things you really don't want to know at all..

Like what are your limits and boundaries in life. How far will you go to get exactly what you want? Whether it be a person, thing, title, whatever... how far will you go and what will you do?

The mind itself is super tricky, Is it a muscle or an organ or what? If your body dies but your brain is still living are you alive or are you dead? Are your dreams part of you or a detached other world that you imagine? What is imagination anyway, repressed desires or just thoughts that come and go willy nilly in and out of your cerebral cortex? The mind is such a wonderful and complex entity.

My mind scares me sometimes. My dreams don't exist. Doctors say that everyone dreams when they rest, just not everyone remembers their dreams. I don't remember many dreams at all. I do have a few that I have been able to keep near me.

Once when I was young I dreamed that I lived in this huge southern styled plantation with my older sister Alissa, my mother and father. The entire dream was in black and white except for a few little items that were bright red. Brilliant red, blood red, crimson red. Just very very vibrant.

The details of the dream held no real meaning to me because they weren't real. In the dream my parents were still married, my grandmother was kind and loving and accepting and my mother was happy and smiling. None of these things were true in my real life, so like I said the details of the dream were irrelevant. But what stuck with me and still does after all these years of dreaming that dream, was the color scheme. Black white and red. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world.

And it is the only dream that I remember details about.  No clue what that means.

Memory and lack there of is another aspect of the mind that perplexes me. A persons perception on an event could be totally fabricated, but they will swear their soul that it is true... because of trauma their memory blocked something or rearranged the events or just created some bullshit altogether...

Memory and lack there of, sucks. There are so many things that I don't remember. Actual events and details and stories. I cannot remember at all so much in my life. My shrink says its 'because I do not have a working memory'. Not much gets retained as far as specifics and such. Details colors orders of happenings...

I cannot even remember little details about how I met Bae, or my graduation from UNCW or dates that I had just a few weeks ago...

The fact that I could tell a story 5 times and something will always be left out disheartens me. I can't recall all of anything. My own mother used to think I was making it up when I would that I couldn't remember something or anything. After a while she started noticing that I wasn't joking. I really can't recall.

How much does this affect my life? A lot, not as much as it could though. I don't really have much of a life. I work from home, now that I recently started working again, I have a small circle of friends that stay busy with their life, and I am not in school so I don't have to worry about that aspect. So in reality my memory just bothers me, me and Bae. He hates when I repeat a story that I have apparently already told him six times prior. He hates watching portions of shows over because I swore we hadn't seen that episode, and he despises rediscovering the same store every few months. But its all new to me. I have no recollection of it.

We joke that every time we watch a movie that we own (so trust it has been viewed at least twice) that it is the first time every time. Its funny at first, but  I promise you the humor of it wears off. The nostalgia of being super forgetful and always forgetting everything - well that stops being endearing sooner rather than later. Its really not that cute. At all.

I have tired mind exercises, and reading. I love reading. My shrink has given me little tasks to do and I thought that maybe my mind would get better with practice or age, but it hasn't yet. Not worse yet either... just still crappy.

It terrifies me though, I want to remember my wedding day and I want to remember the look on his face when we say I do. I want to remember the little things that make him laugh so when we are old I can still make him smile. I want to always know that chicken parm will forever be his favorite dish so I can cook my way to his heart for years. I want to remember all these things without having him remind me.

I want to remember my daughters' first heart break and my son's first kiss... I want to remember the look on my mothers face when I walked across the stage receiving my college degree. I want to remember how I felt when I held Cameron for the first time and realized I had a reason to live. I want to remember the day that I learned I am nothing without Alissa...

The idea that I won't scares me. My mind scares me. As free as it is, it scares me to death.